Everyone poops, but please don't do it at work

I recently had a most unpleasant experience. It's an experience we have all undoubtedly had, but one few will talk about.

I was writing like a fiend at work, churning out words and drinking coffee; drinking coffee and churning out words, when suddenly, I had to pee. Badly. I could be so productive if it weren't for my bladder. Finally, I could deny it no longer: I had to stop the creative flow of my brain and pay attention to the flow of my bladder. I reached a good end point in a paragraph, hopped up from my desk and headed for the head.

As soon as I opened the door to the restroom, however, a stench hit my nose like a foghorn. My eyes fell on the closed door of the stall closest to me in the two-stall bathroom. A pair of shoes sat within the stall guiltily, no doubt belonging to the owner who produced the stench. For a second, I considered trekking up to the north end of the building to the other restroom, but then quickly scratched that thought. I was under tight deadlines this week. I had to be brave.

I choked back a gag and entered the stall next to the stench. I winced, hoping for the quick release of my bladder. It couldn't come fast enough - both the relief of peeing and the thought of escaping the smell.

Just then, on the tail end of my stream, the owner of the stench flushed and left the stall.

"No!" I thought to myself. "If they leave and someone else comes in, the new person will think I  created such a stench!"

I peeked through the stalls to find the source of the stench. I was shocked to see a tiny older woman dressed conservatively in a pair of khakis and brown sweater gingerly washing her hands and arranging her hair in the mirror. Invariably, it seems like those skinny bitches at work are the ones who make the most stank.

Panicked, I quickly wiped and exited the stall, washing my hands while holding my breath and making my way to the door.

Here's the deal. We all know everyone poops, but save your coworkers the agony of this situation and don't do it at work.

No one wants to experience your own personal aroma during their work day.

"But what if you really gotta go?" you're undoubtedly asking.

That's what lunch breaks are for. You smoke cigarettes during your break, and would never think of making your coworkers breathe the toxic gasses released from your Marlboro. Why would you think it's okay to make them breathe the toxic gasses released from your ass?

Poop etiquette demands to be learned!